Nighttime Ponderings
by littlepieceofsaltycaramel
Summary: Lily was almost asleep. Almost. Then she received a text from an unknown number at 3 AM, rambling about unfeathered chickens. Who in their right mind texts people at 3 AM? Apparently, James Potter. And he won't leave her alone. Modern, Muggle Jily AU


_*Tuesday, 3:18 AM*_

Lily was almost asleep. And then her phone dinged. Groaning into her pillow, she flung her arm out to feel for her phone on the nightstand. She brought it close to her face and instantly regretted it once her retinas were permanently damaged. 3:18 AM. Who in their right mind would text someone at 3:18 AM?

 **mate i just googled what chickens looked like w o feathers and now i am severely uncomfortable**

 _What?_

 **look**

Lily grimaced.

 _I did not need to see that._

 _Thanks for scarring me for life._

 **aww dont chicken out now**

 _That was terrible._

She thought for a second, then smiled. She typed a quick Google search and clicked on the first image: a peeled lemon.

 **wut is this**

 **no**

 **i dont like it**

 _Well, you started it._

 **well now im finishing it**

 **see this?**

 _Is that a peeled watermelon?_

 **yupp**

 **isnt it apeeling?**

 _I will never recover from this._

 **lol**

Lilly grinned, then shook her head and frowned. She had no idea who this person was. For all she knew, he was a serial killer. A serial killer with a terrible sense of humor. Why was she continuing the conversation? She was too exhausted for this.

 _Btw, who is this, and why are you texting me at 3:30 in the morning?_

 _ **wut?**_

 _ **shoot wrong number sorry**_

 _ **this is james potter from chem**_

 _ **u gave me ur number for the project yesterday**_

Right…. She had forgotten about that. Apparently, Potter was the one not in his right mind, texting people at 3:18 AM. Then again, Potter was never in his right mind. Lily wasn't even sure he had a right mind.

 _Oh, yeah, I remember._

Hang on. Had she been chatting with Potter of all people? Arrogant, toerag Potter? And… enjoying it? Not good.

 _Alright, well, good night._

Lily yawned and covered her mouth, despite no one being in the room.

 **wait**

 **do u wanna see a pic of a goat in a wedding dress**

 _Good night Potter._

 **here**

 _I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS_

 _*Thursday, 2:43 AM*_

 **no but what if food was sentient**

 **would we still eat it**

 **or would scientists come up with something else**

Lily almost threw her phone across the room. 2. Freaking. 45. AM. It's bad enough that she stayed awake past midnight doing homework, she didn't need another useless thing keeping her up every other night.

 _POTTER I WILL DESTROY YOU_

 **sorry evans wrong number**

She rolled her eyes and pulled the covers up over her head. _Ding!_ She ignored it. _Ding! Ding!_ Lily bit back a scream and aggressively switched the sound off and slammed her phone down. _Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!_ Finally giving in, she looked at the texts.

 **but seriously**

 **cause like**

 **if food was sentient**

 **it would ask us not to eat it**

 **but we need to eat**

 **so wed have to murder our food**

 _We already murder our food you idiot._

 _What do you think meat is?_

 **whoa**

 **i didnt think of that**

 **im a murderer**

 _Yes, you are. Now GO TO BED_

 _ **nah**_

 _Do you ever sleep? Like a normal person?_

 _ **I sleep in late. I don't have any classes in the mornings.**_

Of course he did. And of course he has no consideration for others.

 _Well I do, so if you could kindly stop talking to me that'd be great._

 **ok ok gnight evans**

 _Good night_

 **but seriously**

 _GOOD NIGHT_

 _*Sunday, 3:37*_

 **mate**

 **listen**

 **yknow plastic dinos right**

 **plastic is made out of oil**

 **oil comes from irl dinos**

 **think about it**

Lily started to type a scathing reply, then stopped. Holy crap. Potter actually had a point this time. She groaned and rolled over. It was way too late for this.

 **sirius?**

 _no_

 **oh**

 **sorry evans**

 _Sorry doesn't get me to sleep_

 **u gotta admit its pretty cool**

…

 _I guess_

 **ha!**

 _Shut up_

 **never**

Lily laid back. Ugh, she really needed a good night's rest.

 _How do you keep mixing up me and Sirius anyways? Our names are not even slightly close to each other._

 **all my contacts have nicknames**

 **sirius is padfoot**

 **remus is moony**

 **peter is wormtail**

 **mcgonagall is minnie mouse**

Lily raised an eyebrow and shot back a response.

 _You have Prof. McGonagall saved as Minnie Mouse in your phone?_

 **yupp**

 _Why?_

 **minerva = minnie = minnie mouse**

 **plus she loves cats so its kinda ironic**

When he put it that way, it was actually slightly clever. Maybe during daylight hours she could appreciate the humor.

 _What am I saved as?_

… **.**

 _Potter…_

 **petal**

 **thats why i keep mixing up u and sirius**

 _Petal? Seriously?_

 **What? can u think of something better**

 _I dunno, maybe my name?_

 **but thats boring**

 _Excuse me?_

 **i didnt mean that!**

 _Sure_

 _Why are you always texting Sirius this late? Aren't you guys flat mates?_

 **i didnt i swear**

 **yeah but were in dif rooms**

 _Wow_

 _I'm sure the vast gap between bedrooms in insurmountable_

 **yes it is**

Whatever. Melodramatic to the end. Lily shook her head as she pulled the covers up. Thankfully, her drift into slumber was not interrupted by the irritating ding of a notification.

 _*Monday, 4:06 AM*_

 **what if there was a whole other secret society of ppl who could use magic**

 **and we had no idea that it even exists**

 **how messed up would that be**

 _Potter for the love of God please check who you're texting after midnight_

 **i did**

Lily paused. Wait, what?

 _You mean you purposefully texted me_

 **yes**

 _At 4 in the morning?_

 **...yes?**

 _I hate you_

 **well the first time i actually did mean to text sirius**

 **but you took it really well**

 **so i kept texting you**

 _How would you interpret my reaction as anything in the positive realm?_

 **you seem like the kind of person who appreciates humor**

 _NOT JUST BEFORE DAWN_

 **true**

 **but i rlly wanted to talk to u…**

 _I thought you hated me?_

 **no!**

 **the opposite**

 _Oh_

 _Are you telling me that your version of flirting is texting a girl at 3, 4 in the morning and making her question her existence?_

… **.yes?**

 _You bloody idiot._

 **does that mean youll go out with me?**

 _Ask me later, when I'm actually awake._

Lily flopped onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. A smile pushed on the corners of her mouth, and she did an excited wiggle in her bed. The small smile grew until it could rival the Cheshire Cat, and she pulled up the web browser on her phone. Her fingers flew, spelling: _parrots without feathers_. Copy, paste, aaaaand send.

 **THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE CHICKEN WTH**

(Source for cover image: tumblr user **bellemrdch** ) Hey, everyone! Hope you liked that, despite it being a piece of crap that I literally wrote at 3 AM and edited the next night. I can't find it now, but this gem originated from a dialogue prompt that was something like "I just googled a picture of a plucked chicken and now I am so uncomfortable" and I immediately felt it was something one of the Marauders would say to each other. And then this happened. Maybe it's cute? Idk. Also, it is my firm personal headcanon that James and Sirius give everyone in their contacts list nicknames and you cannot sway me from that. Anyways. Thanks for reading! If you could leave a review I would absolutely love that. I'm trying to seriously improve my writing skills, so hopefully you'll see more of me. Or maybe not hopefully. I guess it depends. See ya!


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